How comfortable are you with saying ‘no’?

My guess is that if you reading this, there’s something keeping you from creating (and keeping) boundaries in your life. 
I used to struggle with this a lot too. I would find every excuse in the book to not have to say ‘no’, even though I often knew the answer was ‘no’ from the beginning… It would be a sickness, or a car issue, or some freak accident like my toilet flooding the bathroom. Anything, ANYTHING to not have to say ‘no’. And other times, when I would work up the courage to say ‘no’… I would later retract the boundary and let the person do what they wanted to do anyway…

All because of a nagging feeling that I was being ridiculous, crazy, or selfish by creating the boundary in the first place.
And it doesn’t help that as woman , many of us find ourselves being praised for people-pleasing. 

This image can only be kept for so long… And maybe already you sense that you’re teetering on the edge of breaking… 
That you just want to burn it all down, throw it all away, and start over…
I know that it’s scary, to sit with the possible responses people may throw back at you after you say “no”… 

But what’s scarier, is losing yourself. 
My question is, how do we get from A to B? How do we go from worrying that we will upset someone or let then down at the thought of saying ‘no’ to embodying boundaries with elegance and ease? 

Emotions

One thing about our emotions is that they’re going to continue to show up no matter how much of “the work” we think we’ve done. It’s a part of the human process and it’s not a bad or good thing. Emotions are simply energy in motion that wish to inform us of something. To shed light on an area of our subconscious that we may not always have access to when we’re constantly on the go, doing things & hanging out with family and friends.

HIStorically as women, our boundaries have been crossed, crushed, broken, and violated over and over and over again to the point where they are almost non-existent, especially in certain aspects of life. Many times these boundaries were broken by the toxic masculine energy or patriarchy and also, many times these boundaries have been broken by our own selves. This time around though, it is clear that those who resonate with the divine feminine on the planet are shaking shit up and doing thangs a whole lot differently.

What are boundaries?

Boundaries can be defined in many different ways. Essentially it is the space one creates for their own energy, intuition, inner knowing, emotions and experiences to take up valid space, separately from another. While leaving space for the other in the relationship dynamics, to have sovereignty in doing the same. It may also form the meaning of taking care of one’s needs first and prioritizing self, before others.

Now, this alone may cause one’s heart to race with worry.

“What? How could I put my own needs before another when they really need me?”

Yeah and what about you needing yourself? Doesn’t this take precedence over someone else needing you?

“Yeah but that sounds really selfish.”

You say selfish, I say self-full. And through fullness one can provide sustainable support to another, which oftentimes is them turning inward towards themselves, where all the answers live; especially when you’re not available. Having boundaries with oneself, strengthens boundaries with others in sustainable, loving, harmonic ways. Providing balance within the relational unit with ease, effortlessness and joyfulness.

One thing to remember when cultivating a relationship with setting boundaries, is knowing they are neutral in nature. They simply are so that you can be the most aligned you. Seeing how the universe supports you in setting boundaries (sometimes without your conscious awareness) in relation to things happening in your life, is a beautiful way to cultivate this new belief that boundaries are neutral in nature. The emotions that arise when setting boundaries are those trigger points that remind us we still have some things to heal and it’s not up to anyone else to do that healing work for us. When we’re triggered, we’ve got to take care of our needs first. The practice is in knowing what you need.

Where are some different types of boundaries?

There are a magnitude of different boundaries, you may wish to implement within your life to support in taking care of your needs. This is completely up to you and is dependent on your own unique experience. Most likely where you feel an energetic imbalance in a relationship to something or someone, outside of yourself, is an indicator where you may wish to place a boundary. A few examples include:

• Self
• Work
• Friendship
• Family
• Children
• Sexual
• Partnership
• Finances
• Social Media
• Food
• Substances
• Dating
• Privacy
• Time

Why are they important?

I invite you to reflect on this yourself. Why do you think boundaries could have importance in your life? How may they support you or be helpful?

Boundaries are important because they allow the freedom in doing what we need to do for ourselves first and not feeling bad or guilty about it. When we are hyper over-givers and highly sensitive people, it can be in our nature to continue to give and give from an empty vessel and take on other peoples “stuff”. This can create burn out, dissociation, energy leakages, low vibrations, resentment build-up, physical dis-ease, and erratic emotions. All of this can be avoided if we know what we need and advocate for our needs while relating to and with other things. Also, if you’re the type of person that tends to “lose yourself” in intimate relationships, boundaries can be super supportive in maintaining a sense of self and identity outside of the relationship.

How to implement them?

There’s no cookie cutter way to implement boundaries. It all depends on one’s individual experience and the situation at hand. Below in no set order is some ways one could implement boundaries:

• Know what you need. Check in with yourself often and be honest with what you really need. This develops the clarity in knowing your feelings outside of another. Then when something feels off, assess what you need in relation to that something.
• Speak Up. Communication is an essential element in all healthy relationships. Voice your needs to others without expecting them to take care of them for you. Speak your truth/experience for clarity and come up with solutions on how to navigate the situation in a wholesome way.
• Say No, More. Exercise your divine birthright is saying “no, nope, nah, no thank you, I’m good, etc.” Feminine embodied beings have been socialized to always say “yes” and put other people’s needs before their own. This can birth a culture of always saying yes, when we really mean no, and then harboring feelings of resentment inside of our bodies.
• Take Space. No one person deserves access to your energy at all times. It is completely okay to turn down invitations, not be available when someone wants you to be available, changing your mind last minute, etc. Solitude can be an excellent way to take care of our needs without expecting anyone else to change.
• Embody Your Inner Masculine Energy. Getting to know our inner masculine side can support us in anchoring ourselves, outside of anyone else. If you tend to be a very feminine embodied being, that energy will lead you to wish to merge with the other and give, give, give. This is not an inherently bad thing. On the contrary, it’s a very beautiful thing. However, overgiving as we know, can cause imbalance. Allowing our inner masculine energy to emerge can ground us in separating ourselves from the other in a very neutral and healthy way. Thus supporting us in being able to set powerful, loving boundaries that support our needs first.
• Share Less. Be mindful of what, when, how and whom you share personal information with, especially if you don’t feel like someone can be trusted with the information.
• Be Mindful Of Who Has Access To Your Home. Not everyone’s energy needs to be all up in your personal energetically hygienic space. Your home is sacred and not everyone deserves access to it. Practice discernment and check in with your body before inviting someone in.
• Give Others Space & Don’t Take It Personally. Just like you need space sometimes, so do other people. Respect other people’s boundaries without taking it personally. Ask questions if needed, for greater clarity and harmonious communication.
• You Matter, First. Remember whatever is most aligned for you, is going to be most in alignment for all involved. This can be an excellent affirmation to use if you’re feeling anxious around setting a boundary.
• Set Time Limits. Allocate your time to social media, social events, dating, etc. in a way that feels balanced to you. Know when you may be giving too much energy to a particular thing, and choose to redirect your energy.